Zootopia Ads
by StuFox
Summary: This is from a writing assignment to create Zootopia ads. It's not canon, it's not really a story, it's just for fun. The "adult" rating is for suggestive content and a single swear word. If you're looking for smut, sadly, it's not here.


"No pawsies. No getting pawsy. No 'Popcorn Surprise'. We're going to have a nice time at the movies today and not have a repeat of our last outing. Understand?"

Judy tapped her foot and glared up at Nick, who gave her a sheepish grin and a nod.

"It wasn't wholly my fault. I mean, Finnick likes large girls and that hippo was pretty hot. How was he supposed to know she was married? And sitting next to her lion husband? Her fox-hating, exceedingly-jealous, overly-protective lion husband. I couldn't just let Finnick get killed right there and then, right?"

"I'm waiting for a cogent argument supporting that last statement," Judy said churlishly.

Nick wisely changed the topic.

"So what digitially-mastered masterpiece are we viewing today?"

"Pred-a-Tor: The Predatoring," Judy replied, "It's about a giant mechanical wolf who stalks helpless prey in a future Zootopia."

Nick cocked his head.

"Are all the movies you like about predators, especially wolves?"

Judy's ears shot up and her eyes opened wide.

"N-no, of course not!" she said with a forced laugh. "What makes you say that?"

"Let's see, we've seen 'Star Wolf', 'Wolfenstein', 'Count Wolfula', 'Saving Private Wolf', 'The Wolfinator' - all three parts - and 'Sophie's Choice'.

"That's not about a wolf!"

"Sophie spends 2/3rds of the movie being chased by wolves and she has to choose which one to get caught, and ravished, by."

A dreamy look came over Judy.

"Ohhhhh yeah, I'd forgotten about the ravishing. So much ravishing."

"Earth to Carrots: we're here."

The Zuber Catillac pulled up to the curb and the pair got out. The line to get tickets was long, but the line to get snacks was even longer, held up by an elephant ordering a popcorn bucket that could have passed for a bunny's bathtub. Finally, Nick arrived at the counter.

"Popcorn. Juju-Bees. And two Dr. Heffers."

"That'll be 15 bucks for the fox-sized popcorn, 5 for the candy and the two sodas are 10; 30 bucks, please," requested the spotty leopard teen behind the counter. His partner pushed a bucket of popcorn the size of a kid's beach pail across to Nick.

Nick looked at the diminutive popcorn.

"But the elephant in front of us paid the same price for an elephant-sized bucket of popcorn that was 10 times the size of this!"

"Proportional scaling: every mammal pays the same price, no matter what the size. We lose a some money on the elephants, break even on foxes, but mice, mice are where the money's at! Think of how little they eat and how many of them there are. For every elephant, there's a bazillion mice and each and every one of them pays 15 bucks."

Nick, sensing an opportunity, smiled.

"I'll take one elephant-sized popcorn please."

"Nick! What're you doing? We can't eat all that!"

"No, see, it's brilliant!" he explained. "We eat what we want and sell the excess to the mice at a discount! We'll make a mint!"

"This seems oddly familiar," Judy said with a smirk.

"Small mammals in front, big mammals in back," the bored equine usher said as he swept his flashlight beam across the floor to indicate which way animals should go. Every cat in the audience raptly watched the circle of light on the floor.

"Bunnies and foxes in the middle."

Nick and Judy followed the beam to the middle row of seats and found two empty ones, side-by-side. They settled in just as the lights went down.

"Oh goody, here come the ads," Nick said sarcastically.

The screen lit up with a perfect house on a perfect street on a perfectly sunny day where a well-built tiger in blue jeans and white t-shirt mowed the lawn.

"Say," said the announcer, "Are you sober?"

The handsome tiger looked up from his mowing duties and said, "Am I!"

"And," the announcer continued, "Are you afraid of the cops?"

"Who isn't? They're beasts!"

"Well then, have we got a treat for YOU! Introducing Senior Jose Hangover's Almost-Agave new Sippin' Tequila! We took our normal slammin' tequila, dumped it through a couple bags of charcoal, re-bottled it and then doubled the price! You can taste the quality - and the Kingsford! Sure, we're legally required to warn you this stuff is as flammable as a gasoline suit on a hot day and can cause second-hand blindness, but you won't care about all that nonsense once you've downed a fifth of this goodness and start getting +3 on your saving rolls against The Fuzz!"

The tiger appeared back on the screen, looking down uncertainly at a shot glass filled with what looked like radiator fluid.

"Are you sure my agent said I have to drink this?" the tiger asked, looking off-camera.

"You do want to see your family again, don't you?" the announcer asked coldly.

The tiger closed his eyes and slammed back the drink, then doubled over.

"Oh god, it's like being raped in the mouth by a porcupine!" the tiger choked out between body-wracking heaves.

"That's the charcoal-filtered difference! And the 3% porcupine semen. Now give the nice folks a big thumbs-up!"

Writhing on the ground, the tiger spat, "I'll see you in Hell! I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!"

"Jose Hangover's Sippin' Tequila. Ask for it by name. Or just point the nearest bum and say you want what he's having."

"Sold!" Judy whispered in Nick's ear.

"He's vicious predator! She's meek prey! And together, they meet at the WATERING HOLE! The Watering Hole is the hottest new dating site where predator and prey come together and play! Link up with hot, pointy-toothed carnivores, including hyenas, bears, and now wolves!"

Even in the dark, Nick could see Judy's eyes light up as she reached for her phone.

"And we're 100% fox-free!"

Nick snatched the phone out of Judy's paws and stuffed it in his shirt pocket.

"You're a very bad bunny and I'll punish you later."

"Promises, promises," Judy shot back.

Hyena in an expensive suit: "Have you or a loved one been squished by an elephant? Flattened by a rhino? You don't need medical care, you need compensation, and here at Dewey, Cheetah and Howe, Little Rodentia's number-one attorneys-at-law, we'll make sure you get what you deserve. Ohh, will you get what you deserve. And what you deserve is CASH! That's right, you deserve piles of filthy lucre! Your suffering is your paycheck and big animals mean big bucks! Just listen to some of our satisfied customers!

Little mouse: "I got sat on by a horse and it was wonderful! Oh, those firm, round horsey ... oh yeah, the cash. I got a mountain of cash, too."

Mouse in workout clothes: "Last year, some bunny cop ran berserk through Little Rodentia. Dewey, Cheetah and Howe class-actioned the ZPD for sixty-five million dollars! I only got 85 cents out of the deal after lawyer's fees, and the ZPD laid off half the mouse force. Now Little Rodentia is over-run with rats and you can't go out at night, but some good came out of the lawsuit, right?"

Hyena: "Look at those smiling, be-whiskered faces bathing in wealth while you're sitting in a darkened theater, seeping in abject poverty, and wondering if slitting your wrists is less painful than sticking a shotgun in your mouth. Right now, some careless elephant is just waiting to make you rich! You can be so rich and - wait, is that an ambulance?! HOLY CRAP, it is! WAIT! HOLD UP! WANNA BE RICH?! COME BACK!"

"The ZPD is still taking that out of my check," Judy grumbled.

Announcer: "There's a predator stalking Zootopia ..."

Judy's ears shot up.

"Down, girl," Nick chided.

Announcer: "A predator so insidious we dare not speak its name."

Young bear: "Dad, there's a girl I really like, but she has a problem."

Father bear: "What's that, son?"

Young bear: "She has ... FLEAS!"

Dun-dun-DUHN!

Father bear: "You know, your mother had fleas when we first met."

Nick looked over at Judy and chuckled.

"Remember when you got fleas? You had to have all those flea baths and you smelled like a refinery for a week."

Judy looked back and smiled.

"Remember when you couldn't touch me and were reduced to Playbunny and your imagination?"

Nick nodded wide-eye'd with a frown.

That faux smile still graced Judy's muzzle.

"I'll be good," Nick whimpered.

Father bear: "Your mother had 'em bad, too. But with some Flee, Flea! flea shampoo and a little luvin', she was good to go."

Young bear: "My girl's also doing the entire football team."

Father bear: "Ditch that bitch and run, Son."

Judy's jaw dropped.

"Can you believe that?" she said indignantly.

Nick tsk'd his disapproval.

"Yeah, the entire football team," he said, "Isn't that kind of 1980s?"

(Swelling, dramatic music)

Announcer: "Next Fall, in a world gone mad, a forbidden love blooms ..."

Scenes of burning skyscrapers and trash-littered street beset by panicked mammals filled the screen.

Rabbit cop: "Oh, Rick, the city is on fire - what shall we do? Called the ZFD?"

Fox cop: "Trudy, they can put out the fires in the buildings, but they can't put out the burning in my heart for you!"

Judy grumbled, "I am so suing these people."

A familiar hyena voice in the back piped up, "Suing? Did I hear suing?"

Nick and Judy both eeped and scrunched down lower in their seats.

The fox and bunny cops on screen locked lips and began an impassioned kiss.

A frantic onyx ran up to the kissing pair and exclaimed, "Cheetah H. Christ, the whole city is falling down! Can't you do something?"

Rabbit cop: "Oh, he is, he IS!"

Announcer: "... a love as timeless as time itself!"

Rabbit cop and fox cop tied together back-to-back as a red, digital timer clicked down: "Rick, there's only 30 seconds left before the bomb goes off and vaporizes all of Zootopia! I have to tell you something ..."

Fox cop: "That you love me?"

Rabbit cop: "Uhhh ..."

Fox cop: "That you're pregnant?"

Rabbit cop: "Um, not quite as such, but ..."

Fox cop: "What? What is it, my darling Trudy?"

Rabbit: "I ... once kinda blew Delcatto back at the station."

Fox cop: "You WHAT?!"

Nick quickly looked over at Judy, who pointed at the screen and said meekly, "It's a movie?"

Rabbit cop: "That doesn't matter now. The bomb will go off any second now and instantly incinerate us both. Farewell, my beloved Rick! Farewell!"

(5 seconds pass in silence)

Rabbit cop: "Aaaany second now."

(5 more seconds pass and a jackal in pops up from behind the bomb)

Bomb technician: "There - disarmed."

Rabbit cop: "Oh, shit."

Nick kept looking at Judy.

"I didn't blow Delgatto," she hiss-whispered, "You're the only animal I've ever blown at the station!"

Nick crossed his arms, but seemed satisfied with the answer.

MUCH LATER ON, like 3:00am later on:

Nick blinked awake and sat up suddenly.

"What about outside the station?"

Judy opened one eye, regarded him, then smiled coyly before falling back to sleep.


End file.
